


Sea of Memories

by usernamelessreader



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito-centric, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Oneshot, Suffering Komaeda Nagito, Tragedy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:15:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28974960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usernamelessreader/pseuds/usernamelessreader
Summary: A post-game oneshot in which, a few months after the simulation, Nagito finally acknowledges his own pain, and Hajime acts as his anchor in a sea of despairing memories.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime & Komaeda Nagito, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 13
Kudos: 105





	Sea of Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This takes place, as it says in the summary, a few months after the events of SDR2. I feel like for someone who went through so much, Nagito acts so nonchalant about it, and always makes an effort to put up this happy facade, which is probably his way of coping with it along with his obsession with hope. I thought about what would happen if he finally let himself admit that he went through a lot of pain, and this fic is what happened as a result. I had multiple parts in my head that I wanted to write either from Nagito or Hajime’s point of view, so I decided to write this fic with both. 
> 
> If you happen to have read my other fics, this one will be a bit sadder and more bittersweet than the other ones.
> 
> Without further ado, enjoy!

On days when Nagito was feeling off, he often sought out the comfort of the ocean’s waves to lull him into a sense of serenity. Something about watching the tide travel up and down the shore and listening to the soft whisperings of the waves in his ear always seemed to soothe him. When he felt like no one should be burdened with the task of taking care of him, Mother Nature always seemed willing to take him into her arms, despite the universe’s endless efforts to make his life as difficult as possible.

Yet, today… the ocean felt more roaring and oppressive to Nagito as he sat on the dunes of the beach, contemplating this feeling of numbness. The sun shined as brightly as ever above him, almost mocking him with how much happiness it seemed to radiate.

_Today was the day, huh?_ Nagito closed his eyes, focusing on how the island breeze felt on his face as it brushed by like an unknowing bystander, and not on how the roaring of the tide only intensified this inescapable feeling of tightness in his chest. Almost like he was drowning, but couldn’t quite reach that moment of either death or salvation. 

But he couldn’t bring himself to leave. If he left, where would he go? Who would he go to for comfort? He couldn’t put that burden on anyone. He just couldn’t. 

He took a deep breath, and exhaled. This was what the universe had to give him. All of his life, all he’s done is take what the universe and his luck decided to throw at him. This feeling wasn’t the worst thing he’s dealt with.

_You deserve this._ Nagito clenched his fists. Perhaps he was right.

He sat back against the palm tree, folding his hands in his lap and keeping his eyes closed. This was fine. 

-

Hajime walked out of the dining hall, squinting and shielding his eyes when the sun’s rays immediately attacked him from above. 

Over the past few months, Hajime had learned to read his classmates. Their body movements, the tone of their voice, their actions; what all of these things indicated about their state of mind. As the island’s designated leader, Hajime was usually the person everyone came to for things; whether it was for advice on small situations, requests, or most importantly, a shoulder to lean on when they needed someone to vent about their feelings to. As such, Hajime had become privy to the little things about his classmates that indicated that they weren’t feeling like their usual self. 

Unsurprisingly, the one who had been the most difficult to read was Nagito. The lucky student almost always put up a front: laughing when he felt scared, smiling when he felt troubled. His emotional state was extremely unpredictable with how much his external reactions didn’t match, and with the lengths he consciously went to in order to mask his true feelings. 

Yet, it was certainly not impossible for Hajime. If anything, Hajime felt like Nagito was the one who he needed to know about the most, since everything about his traumatic past that he told him about had turned out to be true, and especially because Nagito had become someone very important to him. Thus, he had learned to read his lover’s body and facial language too. He had learned how to tell which smiles were genuine, and which smiles were masks. 

Today, and for the days leading up to this moment, Nagito hadn’t seemed like his usual self. He seemed more reserved, and spent more time in his cottage than normal. Whenever Hajime talked or held hands with him, Nagito seemed to be in a different world, contemplating something that Hajime couldn’t see. Hajime had waited to see if Nagito would bring up the source of his feelings with him, but as he predicted, Nagito kept it to himself, probably so as to not burden him with his troubles (Hajime wanted to tell him that he wasn’t a burden. He couldn’t _ever_ be a burden, because he was human. Because he was Nagito.). 

This morning, he had abruptly stood up and left the dining hall in silence, not even uttering a “See you later” to Hajime or any of his classmates. Hajime knew something was up. He had excused himself from the table to his classmates, who had also noticed Nagito’s sudden departure, to go find Nagito out of concern. 

Hajime walked down the stairs leading up to the restaurant, and cut straight past the cottages, not bothering to check if Nagito was there. He had a feeling he knew where the lucky student was. 

Sure enough, as he approached the first island’s beach, he caught a glimpse of dark green and white leaning against a palm tree’s trunk. _Found you_ , he thought to himself as he walked in the sand towards the tree, making his footsteps loud enough to be heard, so that the other boy wouldn’t be caught off guard. 

“Hey,” Hajime greeted softly, sitting beside his lover on the sand. Nagito seemed to be lost in thought, gazing out into the ocean’s surface before finally turning his head to acknowledge Hajime’s presence. His arms were wrapped around his knees, as though he were protecting himself from something. 

“...Hi.” Nagito looked back out to the ocean, seemingly not wanting to say more. 

Not wanting to encroach on what the other didn’t want to reveal, Hajime decided to stay silent as well, and wait until Nagito was ready. He put his hands behind him on the sand and joined Nagito in staring at the sea, letting its sounds fill in the comfortable silence. 

With how nonchalant he acted all the time, and even knowing about his past, it was very easy to forget that even _Nagito_ could have days like this, where he seemed vulnerable and pensive. Hajime never saw this side of Nagito often, but when he did, he always made sure to listen as best as he could, to be there for him in all the ways that he needed it. He never knew when his next chance would be, after all, when Nagito would wear his heart on his sleeve and let Hajime take care of him. (He always listened, when Hajime was feeling stressed. Nagito _always listened_ , and Hajime wanted to return the favor.)

As Hajime let these thoughts run through his mind, he felt Nagito shift beside him. In a moment, the other boy leaned his head on Hajime’s shoulder, closing his eyes. Yet, Hajime still felt the tenseness in Nagito’s body in the way he kept his arms wrapped around his knees, and didn’t fully relax into Hajime’s side. 

As though he already knew why Hajime had come, Nagito took a deep, shaky breath, and decided to cut to the chase and finally tell him what was on his mind. 

“...today was the day of the plane crash. When my parents died.” Nagito’s voice was quiet. 

“...oh.” Suddenly, the silence between them became more oppressive. It became quiet, too quiet. Yet, the ocean’s waves seemed to get uncomfortably louder, as though it were trying desperately to fill the silence with its words. 

Nagito craned his head up to look at Hajime. His gray eyes, with a silent storm of emotion brewing in them, seemed to bore into him, searching for answers. “Was that too sudden? You don’t have to listen to me if you don’t want to. I understand.”

Hajime shook his head. He wouldn’t abandon Nagito now, not when he was vulnerable. “Tell me anything you want to. Don’t hold back.”

-

Upon hearing Hajime’s words, Nagito sat up, and looked carefully into his eyes. Hajime’s heterochromic eyes stared back at him with an intense mix of emotion Nagito couldn’t seem to put his finger on. 

If Nagito was honest with himself, he felt like he didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to be listened to, because the universe had proven to him that no matter what he felt, no matter what he did, his luck would always put him in his place. No one would ever want to get close to him and listen to what he had to say, and maybe that was for the best. They would be hurt by his luck, eventually. Just like so many others had been. 

Yet, with Hajime… Hajime had shown him that he was more than what his luck cycle did to him. That perhaps maybe he _did_ deserve basic kindness and respect (oh, how Hajime had let him indulge in this naive hope). Hajime had shown him that what he had truly wanted that was not hope or despair, but was someone’s love, was within his reach. 

So maybe, just this once, he could allow himself to speak. Perhaps Hajime wouldn’t think he was unworthy after all. Perhaps this was his chance to finally do something purely for himself. 

What did he have to lose? 

With that thought in mind, and with that heaviness pushing on his chest, Nagito took another deep breath, and decided to vent.

“I’ve always felt strangely disconnected from my parents’ death. After all, I had been much too young when they died to really know what was happening, when I came home from the funeral and realized that my parents wouldn’t be returning with me from that plane.” Nagito kept his gaze trained on the ground, examining the grains of sand and how each one seemed to fit perfectly next to the other. 

“At this time of the year, the maid they hired for me always put a small vase of water with a white flower by the window. She hadn’t even had a close relationship with them, yet she always made an effort to do something in honor of their memory. As a child, instead of properly mourning my parents, I always stood by and watched her, and she would give me one of those pitying smiles that a lot of the house staff liked to give me back then.” Hajime stayed quiet, letting Nagito continue his ramblings. The ocean’s waves continued to roar in his ears, roaring so loud that he thought it might be coming up behind him. Nagito paused for a moment and inhaled, lest the water truly consume him and pull him underneath its surface. 

A minute passed by before Nagito felt okay enough to continue, and Hajime still stayed silent for him, listening. 

“Even so, every time this day of the year comes, this emptiness in my chest begins to grow, and I don’t know why. I was so young, and I hadn’t even developed a strong enough bond to truly be sad that they were gone. I’d gotten used to being on my own, to avoiding the house staff and other kids my age, in order to protect them from my luck cycle. I’d long gotten used to the fact that I was a burden to the people around me, and only existed to be a stepping stone for hope. Yet, unfortunately, this feeling in my chest always feels especially heavy at this time of the year. And even though there’s this voice in my head telling me that I deserve it, it doesn’t change the fact that it _hurts_.” Nagito scooped up a pile of sand in his hand, watching as the grains immediately began escaping through the gaps between his fingers. 

“You know, it’s kind of funny,” Nagito said with a bitter smile, sifting the sand through his fingers. “I can’t even fully remember their faces. Isn’t that ironic? I’m supposed to be mourning my parents on the day of their death, yet I can’t even remember what they looked like. Pathetic of me, isn’t it? All I have is little bits and pieces of them in my memory. Like that time they took me to the amusement park, and bought me salty snacks and took me on rides. And that time they took me to this garden with such beautiful flowers, and held my hands as I did that swinging thing between their legs, like all kids like to do. But even in these memories, when I try to picture what my parents looked like, I _can’t even remember_.” Nagito felt a sour laugh threaten to bubble up in his chest as he looked up at Hajime, letting the last of the sand grains trickle onto the ground. “Isn’t that terrible of me, Hajime?”

Hajime stared back at him and didn’t answer, letting the words sink into the atmosphere. After a moment of silence, his lover reached up and brushed his thumb over his cheek.

...Ah. Nagito hadn’t realized that he had been crying. 

It felt obvious now, the wetness on his cheeks and the blurring of his vision. 

How pathetic he truly felt now, letting himself cry in front of Hajime like this.

_You’re so selfish. You’re nothing but a burden._

He swallowed thickly, and leaned closer into Hajime’s touch. The other boy wrapped his arms around Nagito, bringing him closer and tucking his head into the crook of his neck, rubbing a soothing hand in circles on his back. 

At least like this, the sounds of the ocean that threatened to drown him in the murkiness of his memories felt fainter. 

“...Hajime?” Nagito whispered. He didn’t dare let his voice exceed that volume, for fear that it would break. 

“Yeah?” Hajime softly replied, bringing a hand up to run through the white curls of his hair.

“Is it okay for me to cry?” Nagito shut his eyes tight, and balled up Hajime’s shirt in his hands. “Is it okay for someone like me to cry? Am I allowed to cry, even though I can’t even remember who I’m crying for?”

Hajime hugged him even tighter. “It’s more than okay, Nagito.”

And at that, Nagito let it all out, this feeling of loneliness he had been feeling for the past few days, and for his entire life, his sobs wracking his entire body and stinging him down to his bones. 

He cried for his parents, whose faces he couldn’t remember no matter how hard he tried. He cried for the times that they had spent together before that plane crash, all the moments he did and did not remember. He cried because he couldn’t imagine their faces anymore, because the universe couldn’t even let him have a single complete memory to remember them by. 

Most of all, he cried because he was lonely. He cried for his childhood self who had grown up without his parents. For his childhood self who had suffered under the hands of his own luck cycle, who had gone through tragedy after tragedy and had wondered all his life, _What had I done to deserve any of this?_ For his childhood self who, in order to cope, had decided that he was simply undeserving of happiness, and that being a servant of hope was the only thing that gave his life meaning. For his childhood self who had spent his entire life unhappy and lonely. 

While he knew now that he was capable of love and happiness, he cried for the version of himself who hadn’t. 

He cried into Hajime’s shoulder as his sea of memories overtook him, and the universe did not stop him. 

-

As Hajime held Nagito in his arms, the boy’s thin and trembling frame feeling so fragile and his quiet sobbing being the only sound that reached Hajime’s ears, Hajime couldn’t help but almost feel a sense of relief. 

Nagito was lonely. While he now had Hajime and his classmates, for all his life, he had been _so, so lonely,_ and rarely did he ever let himself admit it. Yet he had chosen for Hajime to be the person to lay his feelings bare to, and he had finally _let it all out_. 

Along with this relief, Hajime felt an overwhelming sense of love for Nagito wash over him. He was so proud of him, for finally being able to take off his mask and admit that he was in pain. Out of everyone on this island, while Hajime felt that their problems were significant too, Nagito had by far been put through the most, yet he was also the one who sought the least comfort for that trauma. 

For having the strength to finally admit that he was in pain, and that he felt sad about it, Hajime was _so, so_ incredibly proud of him.

As Nagito cried in his arms, Hajime felt tears running down his own face. He didn’t bother to wipe them away. 

Hajime didn’t know how long they sat there for, after that. Hours could have passed by, and neither boy would have cared. All they wanted to do was hold each other in their arms, and let all of nature and time run its course. 

At one point, after Nagito had gradually stopped crying and reduced his sounds to shaky breaths, the two of them laid down together in the sand. Perhaps Nagito had wrung himself raw, and was too tired to stay sitting up. As the two of them laid side by side, the sun shining down on them from above, their soft breaths and the waves were the only sounds that filled the air. 

It was a while before either of them spoke. 

“...you’re not terrible, Nagito.” Hajime reached up and buried his hand in Nagito’s hair, soothingly petting the cloud-like curls. “I can’t possibly understand how it feels to see and go through everything you had to. But I’ve known you for a while now, and despite everything, I don’t think you’re terrible, no matter how many times you say it to me.” 

Nagito stayed silent, but Hajime knew he was listening. 

“And… I think I kind of get how you feel, about not being able to remember. When I made the decision to go through with the Kamukura Project, I… essentially signed myself and all of my memories off to those doctors. Everything from there, up until the simulation, is kind of a blur to me. Sometimes I feel as though it’s kind of unfair to the world, and to myself, that I can’t remember the time in my life where my existence caused so much damage. Izuru has those memories, but… hearing it from him in my head is not the same as actually having them.” Hajime closed his eyes and took a deep breath, savoring the salty air of the beach, before continuing. 

“And some of my memories from even before that, some of the happier ones… there are gaps. I think having those doctors mess with my head probably has something to do with that. They’re not the result of me naturally forgetting with time.” He felt Nagito shift closer to him, so that his head laid on Hajime’s chest, and his arms wrapped around his waist. Hajime smiled, and buried his nose in the other boy’s hair to let him know that he was okay. 

“So I understand your sadness at being unable to fully remember. But I want you to know that you aren’t a terrible person, for forgetting. Everything that happened to you was out of your control, and you couldn’t help it. I think the fact that you are feeling this way is already proof enough that you’re just doing your best to be happy, just like the rest of us are. And… I can’t claim to know who your parents were, but I think if your parents are looking at you from somewhere right now, and they’ve seen everything that’s happened to you… they wouldn’t blame you either. If they were ever upset, then I think they would have forgiven you by now, and just want you to be able to find happiness again.”

“I think, from here, we just have to keep on living. For our families who aren’t here with us anymore, and for those who suffered under the hands of Junko Enoshima and our despair selves. And… you don’t need to feel lonely anymore, as we continue to do that. Along with the rest of our friends, I’ll be here for you, as we continue to live and find happiness, because I love you. Now and into the future.” Hajime took Nagito’s hand in his own, and brought it to his lips, pressing his words into his fingers as though that would make them more tangible. 

Nagito didn’t respond, and he stayed silent for so long that Hajime thought he had fallen asleep. But eventually, as Hajime continued to run his fingers through his hair in thought, a soft whisper came from the boy lying next to him in his arms.

“Thank you, Hajime Hinata. That means more to me than you could ever know.”

As they rested together in the soft dunes, Hajime felt Nagito’s breathing even out as he laid his head on his chest, and immediately knew that the boy had fallen asleep. He must have been exhausted. 

He kissed his lover’s forehead, and gradually fell asleep too, with his fingers in his hair and his love laid bare on his chest. 

His dreams were full of clouds and ocean waves.

When he woke up again, the sun was setting in the distance (had it really been that long? Hajime must have been more tired himself than he thought). Nagito was still asleep on his chest, his soft breath fanning out over Hajime’s fingers. The waves sounded softly in the distance, as though calling to them to finally wake up. 

Hajime gently ran his hand through Nagito’s hair and his other up and down his back, trying to wake him up from his deep sleep. Soon enough, he felt Nagito take in a deep breath, and looked down to see his lover opening his eyes and looking tiredly back up at Hajime. 

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Hajime softly teased him, and kissed him on the nose. Nagito blinked and sat up, looking over to the horizon. “How are you feeling?”

“Ah… how long were we asleep? It’s already sunset…” Nagito yawned and rubbed at his eyes. His hair was sticking out in odd places, even more than it usually did. Yet, Hajime thought he looked beautiful as the sun’s rays bounced off his pale complexion and lightened the gray of his eyes.

“Judging by the time I came out here, I’d say about 6 hours.”

“Goodness… well, I haven’t had a good sleep in a while. I guess it was to be expected,” Nagito laughed softly, running his hands through his hair. “I feel a lot better now. Thank you for staying and listening to me, Hajime.” He leaned over and kissed Hajime on the cheek, a soft blush covering his cheeks. “I… I feel okay now. The emptiness is gone, thanks to you.”

Hajime smiled warmly, and stood up, offering out his hand. “Of course, Nagito. I was thinking, while you were asleep… is there something you want to do? To… honor your parents? Or, if you want, we could go see what the others are up to.”

Nagito stood up too, and took Hajime’s hand in his real one. “Ah, actually… I was thinking the former. If you don’t mind, could we stop by the park, first? I.. would like to do something for my parents before the day ends.” He looked down at the ground, shuffling his feet in the sand. 

“By all means. Want to lead the way?” At Hajime’s words, Nagito nodded and took the initiative, pulling them forward and towards the central island. 

-

By the time they made it back to Nagito’s cottage, it was already way past dinnertime, the sun having retreated beneath the horizon to let the moon have its turn to shine over the ocean. The moon’s light felt gentle, and seemed to caress their faces before they walked into his cottage and flipped on the lights. 

Listening to Hajime comfort him earlier that day, Nagito had felt an overflowing love wash over him. He felt immensely grateful that Hajime had found him that morning; he didn’t know what he would have done if he had sat alone any longer, with no one to share his feelings with except the tide lapping at his feet. 

Hajime had _listened_ . As Nagito revealed to him his deepest hurt that he had never told anyone, Hajime had listened, and not only supported him, but shared his own experiences to show him that he wasn’t alone. And he knew that now, even if it was still hard to comprehend sometimes. He was no longer alone, because he had Hajime and the rest of their classmates by his side. He could _live_ , live not for the sake of any battle between hope and despair, but for his _own_ hope and happiness. Live for the sake of his parents and for those who couldn’t. Live to see the world come back to life, and to see himself grow and find happiness, with Hajime holding his hand and his love for him only growing in depth by the day.

Maybe he hadn’t gotten to have the childhood with his parents that every other kid had, and maybe he would still feel sad every time this day of the year came around. Maybe those things, along with the rest of his past, wouldn’t change. But perhaps maybe, just maybe, he could allow himself to live his life without feeling guilty, and start a new beginning with Hajime. 

Hajime’s words had meant _so much to him_. And Nagito felt like nothing he did would ever show him the true extent. 

As though he sensed that Nagito was lost in his thoughts, Hajime squeezed Nagito’s hand and brought him back to reality. 

“Hey,” he smiled at him. “Want to put it by the window?”

Nagito looked down at his other hand, which was holding the things they had gotten from Jabberwock Park and Rocketpunch Market: a beautiful white daffodil inside a small glass vase, filled halfway to the rim with water. 

“...yeah.” Nagito stepped further into his cottage, and approached his window. He placed the daffodil on his window sill, admiring how the vase fit perfectly in place, and how the flower leaned over the rim of the glass with just the right amount of tilt.

As he gazed at the small, white flower, he closed his eyes. 

_I hope you’ll accept this gift. I hope that wherever you are, you can see me find happiness again._

Nagito opened his eyes, and returned to his lover, taking his hands in his own and touching their foreheads together. 

“I love you,” he whispered, and gave him a soft peck on the lips. “Thank you for doing this with me.”

Hajime blushed, and gently smiled back at him. Nagito noticed that at this angle, he could see his faint freckles up close. “I love you too.”

As they flipped the lights back off and left his cottage to have a late dinner, Nagito felt his heart swell with the feeling of closure. 

If they had stayed in his cottage to look at the flower, they would have seen how the moonlight hit the glass vase with just the right amount of light, and framed the daffodil’s petals to look even more beautiful and luminescent than before. 

And if they had stayed a moment longer, they might have seen two soft ripples silently graze the water’s surface, turning the daffodil so that it gazed up with radiance at the clear night sky.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for sticking with me for the ride! I really hope I was able to convey the emotions I wanted to convey, and that I did our boys justice. I really hope I didn't overdo it dajasks
> 
> Even if it might be slightly out of character for Nagito to openly admit so much, I like to think that he grows in many ways after the simulation, after Hajime teaches him love and self-worth. I really just want to see him be happy. 
> 
> I wrote much of this while listening to soft ocean sounds videos. They’re really good to listen to while writing, and for studying as well!
> 
> Thanks for reading! Take care!


End file.
